How to Talk to Your Kids about Sex

Talk to your kids about sex?  How do you begin?  When should you begin?  If they don't ask, are you off the hook?  Join Dr. Winnie King as she has a serious and frank discussion about "the talk."  She and our experts will offer step?by?step suggestions on how to begin, how much to say and what ideas they can understand at each age of their development.  You'll learn what to listen for from your kids, hear some shocking myths many kids have and understand the thousands of sex images they are bombarded with every day. The old "birds and the bees" just won't cut it anymore.  Are you prepared?

Topics Covered:

• When do you start having the "talk?"
• Is there a specific age you should begin; is any age too young?
• Do you tell them everything?
• Should you ever make things up, like "the stork brings babies?"

Guests:

Tamara Kreinin - President, Sexuality Information and Education Council of the US; Previously, Tamara was the director of state and local affairs at The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy in Washington, DC.; A senior program associate at the Southern Regional Project on Infant Mortality; From 1990 to 1994, she was the founding executive director of the New Orleans Council for Young Children in New Orleans, LA; Co-Author of Girls Night Out.
Kehinde Togun - Teen Sexuality Educator
Sharese Clark - Became pregnant as a teenager

Tips & Hints:

• The main thing to remember is that talking is good...several conversations, over time, offering simple, age-appropriate answers, can make the process easier for parents and kids alike.
• Keep talking over time - not a big, serious talk, but something that becomes part of day-to-day life.
• When kids ask awkward questions about sex in public places, don't be embarassed, simply answer them by saying, "That's a good question. When we get home, we'll have some hot chocolate and talk about it."
• Four simple steps can help you assess what your children really need to know about and why they are asking you at this moment:

Be an "Askable Parent"

Age-appropriate information:

Pre-School and School-age Children:

Kids 2-5:

• Tend to be curious about the body and may wonder where babies come from.
• Require short answers from parents -- no need to give volumes of information that may only confuse kids too young to understand.
• Use correct names of body parts.
• Give value to your kids' questions.
• Alwasy ask if they have any more questions.

Kids 5-8:

• At this age, parents can say, "when two grown ups love each other (or are married, depending on their values) it feels good to kiss and hold each other, and one thing that feels good is when the man puts the penis in the vagina."  Kids usually respond, "that's disgusting!" and walk off.  That's fine!  Let them go for now.
• Always ask if they have any more questions.

Pre-Teens and Teens:

• A 2003 US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention survey showed that more than 60% of all teenagers have had sexual intercourse by the time they graduate high school.
• A 2002 report in the Journal of Adolescent Health showed that teens whose parents are involved in their teenagers' lives and have open lines of communication, are more likely to DELAY having sex.
• It is good to talk to your kids about sex, pregnancy, AIDS and STDs -- but it also a great opportunity to talk to them about abstinence, love, dating, realtionships and especially your own personal views, beliefs and feelings on all these subjects.
• It also presents the chance to discuss boundaries with your children.

When to Talk

If you have put off talking to your kids about sex how can you start?

• Take advantage of "teachable moments"
• We are bombarded by sexual images in ads, on TV, in music
• If you're watching a TV show with your children in which a couple has sex together on their first date, ask kids is that realistic? Is it too soon, did they use contraception?
• Take advantage of as many teachable moments as possible
• Rides in the car are a great way to find time for one-on-one communication.  Sometimes it is easier for both parents and kids when they do not have to make eye-contact.

Other Information:

What about dating safety?

In early teens:

• Go out with groups not one-on-one 
• Girls shouldn't have boyfriends much older than they are
• Discourage girls from dating much older boys
• Discourage exclusive relationships

Many kids belive myths about preventing pregnancy -- here are a few of them -- THEY ARE ALL FALSE!!:

• If you jump up and down after sex you won't get pregnant
• You can't get pregnant the first time
• If you go into a hot tub after sex you won't get pregnant
• Drinking a Mountain Dew soda before intercourse helps reduce a man's sperm count and therefore will not be able to get a girl pregnant.

What should you tell your kids about contraception?

• Tell them that there are many different types and where to get them

Will telling children about sex and contraceptives encourage kids to go out and have sex?

• No. Bu if they get caught in the heat of the moment, at least they'll know how to protect themselves and their partner.
• Research shows that the more informed kids are, the less likely they will be to engage in risky behavior

STDs

• You can get almost all STDs from oral sex.

A Final Thought:

From a KKH program we did on AIDS, a woman who lost her daughter to AIDS said, "Talking to your children about sex is one of the most difficult conversations in the world.  But it's a much harder conversation when your daughter's doctor tells you she has HIV."

Resources

Sexuality Information and Education and Council of the US
http://www.familiesaretalking.org/
212-819-9770

Planned Parenthood
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/
Call: 877-478-7732

Children NOW
http://www.talkingwithkids.org/
800-CHILD-44

Winnie King, M.D.